IT’S LATE, everyone is in bed and I just scared the bejangles out of my husband getting up to “dear diary” myself in an attempt the quieten my chaotic mind.
I am coming off of a high when I held my first skincare making workshop, but NOW, I am full of self doubt.
A friend said to me this week “I would hate to be your brain, it is always coming up with creative things” I told her that I am constantly having meltdowns because of it and I think I am in the middle of one now.
I am actually starting to believe that I don’t believe in myself nearly as much as I pretend to and not even close to the amount that others do.
I saw a quote on FB the other day
‘The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.’……… so maybe I am actually on the right track????????
And it seems that others experience the same as me because I read a blog post the other day from, what I would call, a successful Perth blogger, alongside my sister, about her own self doubt! And I know my sister has her fair share of it too, this, in my eyes, is what makes them seem so approachable and REAL.
Have a read of some of their posts here about self doubt and here, a post Adelle wrote a while ago not unlike this one, right now (FYI – this post was written 2 years ago and she really has achieved everything she wanted to since then and has really “made her body love her”…..so Proud!!)
Everybody else seems to have it all together, but maybe that is just what they show?? Maybe I come across as well put together to others when I know that I am so far from perfect and make a gazillion mistakes.
The idea of possibly teaching people what I have learnt and researched for myself, with skincare is an exciting one and I had a blast the other night and look forward to doing more!! My sister asked if I would do some in Perth and asked her blogger friends on a page she runs if it is something they would see as worth doing, and even though there were no negative comments, I started to freak out whether I was good enough. I know people in the country by face, I am friends with many here, they know me by face and also by what I do. The girls my sister hangs out with are GORGEOUS, so young and can tell it like it is, they have access to so many things in Perth and write great blogs and I felt out right intimidated by them!! WHY!?!?!?!
So, here I am, wide awake, having a life lesson, trying to work myself out and searching for my confidence and self belief.
I get told that I am inspirational sometimes and I don’t know if I believe it, I certainly don’t know what to say when people tell me that and I really don’t get why they see me that way, so maybe I should write some stuff down about myself and see what happens……….
I HAVE got a lot of experience under my belt, I have dealt with things many people would never have to in their life and been through some tough shit, but I have come right out of my shell because of it (something all my teachers said I had to do, apparently, took me a while)
The people I am feeling intimidated by are quite young (I guess I have always felt like that) Young, confident people, I guess, come across as a little arrogant to me and then, if there is a platform involved ie. a blog, social media, people tend to put only the good stuff of their life on them and pass on things that they have learnt or are good at and not always willing to put their shortcomings out there for all to see. This is MY problem, not theirs!! I guess I need to get to know these people better and realize that I DO have things to offer these people, if they want it, because I DO know things from experience and my own research.
I am so afraid of confrontation and not being accepted and being judged, but seriously, what is the worst that can happen, someone may not like my opinion and confront me about it, I will retaliate in my own way (which is always with kindness even if I am feeling dejected and upset), we may not agree and I don’t “gel” with that person SO BLOODY WHAT!! I can’t please everybody and keep everybody happy and I have an over abundance of people in my life who DO see the world in similar ways to me and they are the people I should be focusing on!!
I DO know exactly who I am and I am not ashamed in myself or my actions and decisions in the past because they have shaped me to who I am now.
The things I am…….
I am a great Wife and Mother and I have a brilliant marriage and 3 amazing children to show for that who have the same respect and kindness for others and the world as I do.
I am a good daughter who adores her parents and is so grateful to them for the great upbringing I have had and I am grateful for the most prominent role models in my life, I model my own marriage and family life on what I have seen in my parents. I should also take a leaf out of my own book and realize that possibly my own kids will see me and their Dad the same way I see my parents.
I am a good sister and will drop everything to help my siblings even when there was strain and awkwardness between some of us, I am grateful to my parents, again, and my siblings for teaching me how to be a good sister and for making it easy to be around them.
I am a crazy creative and I AM good at what I do, I take pride in every project and finish it to the best of my ability, be it a paid job, a gift or just something I am making for me.
I am a beauty therapist, I HAVE trained in this area so “YES Kirsty, you ARE good at what you do, you do have a good understanding of skin and the body and the things you have learnt outside of training is valid and worth teaching to others who would like to learn, if they don’t want to learn, they won’t come to a workshop and if there are any negative things surrounding this, know that you DO have this knowledge and others are very much entitled to their opinion but it doesn’t mean you have to agree”
I am an artist, not just by painting and creating, but by the way I put my appearance together and the way I live life, life is art and should be seen that way by all.
I am a good, kind person always with good intention, who always puts others first, maybe I should try putting myself first once in a while though, If I am burnt out, I am no use to anybody. Also, I have my own agendas too and should start working on my own plans, it is OK to think about myself!!
So bloody stop and smell the roses!!!!!!
Start LIVING and stop STRESSING, you ARE good enough and you are loved and respected by a lot of people, can you FINALLY start believing that?
No you are NOT perfect but that is what makes you amazing and unique, there is no other person like you on this planet, that is a GOOD thing, you have a lot to offer and it is ridiculous to compare yourself to someone else, they are nothing like you. FOCUS ON THE GOOD IN LIFE AND THE REST WILL WORK ITSELF OUT
………And I am not just talking to myself here, if you get stuck with self doubt, maybe you should embrace it and tell yourself that you are on the right track because you are feeling that way, nobody achieved anything by feeling comfortable all the time, life throws you a heap of curve balls, you are bound to hit some of them out of the park! The ones you miss are your lessons!
Love Kirsty XXXX